i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
