32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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