wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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