I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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