Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
