one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she looked like the before picture.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
