I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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