Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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