I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
