Your dad touched me again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
