Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
