i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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