Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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