Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
