i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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