i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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