I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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