thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
