I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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