I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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