yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
