Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
