I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
