the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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