It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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