I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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