im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
