Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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