i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
