I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
