also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
