I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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