i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
