My room smells like vodka and shame
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
