She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
do herpes really smell.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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