Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
