yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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