Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
