She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
