the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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