Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
