I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
