He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
