I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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