Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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