he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
