You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
