$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
