I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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