think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
