That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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